#this is me questioning people's reading comprehension as well as my own

[highladyjane]

The assault at Sangravah happened in early ACOMAF (before Elain's existence even came into picture for Azriel - 3 days before he even got to meet Feyre)... So I don't get how G and Az are supposed to be mates when he's had all that time to feel something?

There's the parallel of Rhys' father feeling his mating bond snap into place the moment he met his mother being assaulted.

"One look at her, and he knew what she was..." (ACOMAF, ch. 16)

Or Rhys himself feeling the bond when Feyre was being tortured by Amarantha...

"And I knew as I picked up that knife to kill her... I knew right then what you were. I knew right then that you were my mate." (ACOMAF, ch. 54)

Or Cassian simply meeting Nesta. "Say what I've guessed from the moment we met" he breathed. What I knew from the first time I kissed you. What became unbreakable between us on Solstice night." (ACOSF, ch. 62)

Bonus from Nesta: “‘From the moment I met you, I wanted you more than reason. From the moment I saw you in my house, you were all I could think about. And it terrified me. No one had ever held such power over me."

Or even Lucien after Elain was Made and maybe even while being thrown into the Cauldron... I don't even need a quote for them, but even Lucien knew and has tried seeking Elain out after the incident.

It's stated in the books and shown again and again that it's the males who are deeply affected by the mating bond. That they can know from the moment they meet. They all in one way or another sought after the females. Even Nesta and Feyre felt something before they knew or opened themselves up to it. And since they all met - They. Couldn't. Stay. Away.

But there's like... no hint of it from Az after stumbling upon G? Like he just literally stumbles upon her - never actually even actively seeking her out through all those years? He hasn't even actively tried to stay away? He's just... *crickets*

It's been Gwyn making noises and attracting his attention through all their scenes together. It was Gwyn asking for dagger lessons. It was 'Gwyn' making Az the new ribbon (whatever that means). And it's Az's shadows reacting to Gwyn, not Az himself. But there's no real hint that Gwyn feels anything romantic for him. There's barely any interactions between them without linking it to her assault in Sangravah and her growth from it.

Besides Az's shadows reacting to G, and that ribbon moment that everyone deems so pivotal when Az realises what it means for the Valkyries (that he's had a hand in training) and maybe even reflects upon Gwyn's character development and therefore what the ribbon means for Gwyn - which made me feel proud too, and that's how I interpreted it - but I can't see an undeniable sign of it being a mating bond anywhere.

I thought at first that mayhaps he was giving her space because of the assault, but then the BC came and he went "It was too late to bank without appearing like he was running," and then "He wouldn't go so far as to call Gwyn a friend,". (ACOSF, Azriel's Bonus Chapter)

Let's not even mention the part where Gwyn was actually in danger (no matter how capable she was at that point), while Cassian was going ballistic at Nesta being in danger, but Az is all like "Let's go save Eris". Eris who both he and Cassian hates. Eris who Az himself nearly killed during the HLs' pre-war meeting (before he exhibited actual mate behaviour and sought and risked his life to save Elain who's not even his mate). But no, he gave just as much or even less action and reaction about Gwyn as Tamlin gave when Feyre was UTM.

And I was like...

How are they mates? Where's the mate behaviour every male - mated or not - in Prythian has exhibited throughout the books? Why did I keep seeing things about them being mates and endgame?

The only hint between them that I could even begin to consider it from is the second to last sentence in Az's BC.

"But Azriel tucked away the thought, consciously erasing the slight smile it brought to his face. Buried the image down deep, where it glowed quietly."

But I basically have the same interpretation about that as this post from @merymoonbeam. (Although I'm still neutral about the lightsinger theory, it's the most interesting take.)

Because again.

Why hasn't Azriel felt/shown anything or actively sought her out or even actively stayed away if he's known Gwyn since Sangravah?

If they're mates, shouldn't he have felt and shown something - like that glow - and Gwyn be the one to snap him out of his 'love' for Mor before he even had the chance to meet Elain? If he's just lonely and jealous of his brothers having mates then... Why has he barely noticed or sought out Gwyn who's supposed to be his mate?

What, he had to wait until his shadows reacted to her to even think about her?

I'm not an expert at analysing things - I wouldn't even say I'm good at interpreting things especially when I've got my rose-tinted glasses on, so/but I'm always open to being wrong and changing my mind accordingly.

But/so convince me with actual canon and not just your biased opinions, delusions, self-insertions, or ships.

[why-animals-do-the-thing]

average United States contains 1000s of pet tigers in backyards" factoid actualy [sic] just statistical error. average person has 0 tigers on property. Activist Georg, who lives the U.S. Capitol & makes up over 10,000 each day, has purposefully been spreading disinformation adn [sic] should not have been counted

I have a big mad today, folks. It's a really frustrating one, because years worth of work has been validated... but the reason for that fucking sucks.

For almost a decade, I've been trying to fact-check the claim that there "are 10,000 to 20,000 pet tigers/big cats in backyards in the United States." I talked to zoo, sanctuary, and private cat people; I looked at legislation, regulation, attack/death/escape incident rates; I read everything I could get my hands on. None of it made sense. None of it lined up. I couldn't find data supporting anything like the population of pet cats being alleged to exist. Some of you might remember the series I published on those findings from 2018 or so under the hashtag #CrouchingTigerHiddenData. I've continued to work on it in the six years since, including publishing a peer reviewed study that counted all the non-pet big cats in the US (because even though they're regulated, apparently nobody bothered to keep track of those either).

I spent years of my life obsessing over that statistic because it was being used to push for new federal legislation that, while well intentioned, contained language that would, and has, created real problems for ethical facilities that have big cats. I wrote a comprehensive - 35 page! - analysis of the issues with the then-current version of the Big Cat Public Safety Act in 2020. When the bill was first introduced to Congress in 2013, a lot of groups promoted it by fear mongering: there's so many pet tigers! they could be hidden around every corner! they could escape and attack you! they could come out of nowhere and eat your children!! Tiger King exposed the masses to the idea of "thousands of abused backyard big cats": as a result the messaging around the bill shifted to being welfare-focused, and the law passed in 2022.

The Big Cat Public Safety Act created a registry, and anyone who owned a private cat and wanted to keep it had to join. If they did, they could keep the animal until it passed, as long as they followed certain strictures (no getting more, no public contact, etc). Don’t register and get caught? Cat is seized and major punishment for you. Registering is therefore highly incentivized. That registry closed in June of 2023, and you can now get that registration data via a Freedom of Information Act request.

Guess how many pet big cats were registered in the whole country?

97.

Not tens of thousands. Not thousands. Not even triple digits. 97.

And that isn't even the right number! Ten USDA licensed facilities registered erroneously. That accounts for 55 of 97 animals. Which leaves us with 42 pet big cats, of all species, in the entire country.

Now, I know that not everyone may have registered. There's probably someone living deep in the woods somewhere with their illegal pet cougar, and there's been at least one random person in Texas arrested for trying to sell a cub since the law passed. But - and here's the big thing - even if there are ten times as many hidden cats than people who registered them - that's nowhere near ten thousand animals. Obviously, I had some questions.

Guess what? Turns out, this is because it was never real. That huge number never had data behind it, wasn't likely to be accurate, and the advocacy groups using that statistic to fearmonger and drive their agenda knew it... and didn't see a problem with that.

Allow me to introduce you to an article published last week.

This article is good. (Full disclose, I'm quoted in it). It's comprehensive and fairly written, and they did their due diligence reporting and fact-checking the piece. They talked to a lot of people on all sides of the story.

But thing that really gets me?

Multiple representatives from major advocacy organizations who worked on the Big Cat Publix Safety Act told the reporter that they knew the statistics they were quoting weren't real. And that they don't care. The end justifies the means, the good guys won over the bad guys, that's just how lobbying works after all. They're so blase about it, it makes my stomach hurt. Let me pull some excerpts from the quotes.

"Whatever the true number, nearly everyone in the debate acknowledges a disparity between the actual census and the figures cited by lawmakers. “The 20,000 number is not real,” said Bill Nimmo, founder of Tigers in America. (...) For his part, Nimmo at Tigers in America sees the exaggerated figure as part of the political process. Prior to the passage of the bill, he said, businesses that exhibited and bred big cats juiced the numbers, too. (...) “I’m not justifying the hyperbolic 20,000,” Nimmo said. “In the world of comparing hyperbole, the good guys won this one.”

"Michelle Sinnott, director and counsel for captive animal law enforcement at the PETA Foundation, emphasized that the law accomplished what it was set out to do. (...) Specific numbers are not what really matter, she said: “Whether there’s one big cat in a private home or whether there’s 10,000 big cats in a private home, the underlying problem of industry is still there.”"

I have no problem with a law ending the private ownership of big cats, and with ending cub petting practices. What I do have a problem with is that these organizations purposefully spread disinformation for years in order to push for it. By their own admission, they repeatedly and intentionally promoted false statistics within Congress. For a decade.

No wonder it never made sense. No wonder no matter where I looked, I couldn't figure out how any of these groups got those numbers, why there was never any data to back any of the claims up, why everything I learned seemed to actively contradict it. It was never real. These people decided the truth didn't matter. They knew they had no proof, couldn't verify their shocking numbers... and they decided that was fine, if it achieved the end they wanted.

So members of the public - probably like you, reading this - and legislators who care about big cats and want to see legislation exist to protect them? They got played, got fed false information through a TV show designed to tug at heartstrings, and it got a law through Congress that's causing real problems for ethical captive big cat management. The 20,000 pet cat number was too sexy - too much of a crisis - for anyone to want to look past it and check that the language of the law wouldn't mess things up up for good zoos and sanctuaries. Whoops! At least the "bad guys" lost, right? (The problems are covered somewhat in the article linked, and I'll go into more details in a future post. You can also read my analysis from 2020, linked up top.)

Now, I know. Something something something facts don't matter this much in our post-truth era, stop caring so much, that's just how politics work, etc. I’m sorry, but no. Absolutely not.

Laws that will impact the welfare of living animals must be crafted carefully, thoughtfully, and precisely in order to ensure they achieve their goals without accidental negative impacts. We have a duty of care to ensure that. And in this case, the law also impacts reservoir populations for critically endangered species! We can't get those back if we mess them up. So maybe, just maybe, if legislators hadn't been so focused on all those alleged pet cats, the bill could have been written narrowly and precisely.

But the minutiae of regulatory impacts aren't sexy, and tiger abuse and TV shows about terrible people are. We all got misled, and now we're here, and the animals in good facilities are already paying for it.

I don't have a conclusion. I'm just mad. The public deserves to know the truth about animal legislation they're voting for, and I hope we all call on our legislators in the future to be far more critical of the data they get fed.

[micer2012]

a reflection on MatPat's plagiarism

Hello, my name is Della, or micer2012, and 2 years ago Game Theory plagiarized three Tumblr posts of mine, making a video that now holds almost 6 million views.

My posts explaining his plagiarism made their rounds on Reddit, Tumblr and Twitter, but despite the Hermits and Pooka commenting on it (generally in support of me or saying they don’t know enough details about the situation to say either way), MatPat and his team have never owned up to anything, and no mention of my name is present on the video. The one Reddit post they made denying it (which was made before my detailed takedown, which they have never responded to (though the mods on the r/GameTheorists Reddit were kind and made sure it stayed up)) didn’t even mention me by name, just referring to me as “a tumblr user”. (Though one of the screenshotted comments in the body of the post does say my name)

This experience was baffling, but it’s overall had a positive impact on my life. r/Hermitcraft gave me a Golden Apple Award (post of the year, 2021). My inbox was filled with excited fans, wanting to ask me questions or pose their own theories, far more than the hate I got. (Though the hate I got from Game Theory fans was VERY funny. I wondered why none of them gave me shit about saying “MatPat misgendered Evil Xisuma” before realizing none of them read that far into the post.)

And getting on a more personal, and much more important note, I met most of my current online friends through this, including my partner. It helped me grow closer with my irl friends as well and gave me an entertaining story that I tell whenever I have the chance. It was one of the first things in my life that really made me feel like my talents, my autistic hyperfocusing and analyzing of things I love, could be valuable. Useful. Exploitable. It blew my mind that MatPat thought an autistic kid’s ramblings about a Minecraft Youtube joke character were good enough to steal. To put an audible sponsorship on. To get 6 million views off of.

And that’s why I’m writing this post, this update years later. As you might’ve been able to guess, Hbomberguy’s Youtube video on plagiarism reopened this wound. It was really hard for me to sit through, it took days of pausing and taking breaks, because I had experienced everything he was talking about firsthand. 

In my 10 page long takedown post, I wrote about how his rewording of my sentences made him say things that were incorrect, just like Filip did. The content farm production style that made big companies like Cinemassacre take one creator (AVGN/MatPat) and turn him and his content into a brand, a voice that reads out scripts by other people with other opinions/theories, is a history shared with Game Theory. What really hit me was Harris talking about how big creators only do this to people they think they can get away with doing it to. How they view their victims as lesser, as not deserving of their words, repackaging them as their own to give to an audience that can gain from hearing them, but deserves better than to have to listen to the original victim.

That’s the thing, I 100% think a video version of my theory to expose to a bigger community than “Evil Xisuma Fans on Tumblr” is a great idea!! Near the end of the video Harris talks about how video adaptations of things could be a great market, even an accessibility tool, and I completely feel that about my posts. I wrote them quickly assuming the reader was someone well versed on Evil Xisuma lore, after not even watching most of the CarnEvil series, and the diagrams I made to explain them are even less comprehensible. Harris makes a joke that I completely agree with, 

“I’m sure some of my videos would do very well if someone translated them into English.”

I don’t think I would’ve ever made my posts if I didn’t have autism, and a special fixation on Evil Xisuma and Hermitcraft. I made them because I felt the character was being done an injustice, and because I wanted to share with other superfans this theory that might explain it away. I do think that MatPat plagiarizing me was ableist. I used to wonder a lot if this would’ve happened if my posts were articulated better, if they had been peer reviewed, if the posts themselves had been spread to a wider audience before MatPat made his video. At one point when the discourse was fresh (before I had the time to write out my 10 page rebuttal), a bigger YouTuber (100k subs at the time) messaged me and started talking on Discord, interested in possibly making a video on the discourse, but I think my style of typing and general enthusiasm drove him away. You can tell by a single look at my blog (or my original 3 posts!) that I don’t usually type like this. This post you’re reading now has been peer reviewed and edited, and took me hours to format correctly. That video could’ve been huge, the entire outcome of this MatPat situation would probably be much different.

I also used to stress a lot about “being the one who ruined Evil Xisuma’s story”. If you didn’t know, to me S8 Evil Xisuma’s story got wrapped up pretty quickly and unsatisfying (in my personal autistic opinion). (though this might’ve been due to s8 being experimental and ending early with moon big) There was no real culmination of the plot points and arcs going on, and I don’t want to blame myself, but when Xisuma said on stream (when the MatPat thing was first going on) that he didn’t want to focus on the discourse or draw more attention to it, it makes a lot of sense to me that he just wanted to wrap it all up as quickly as possible. For a while I beat myself up about it, of ruining the story of this character I love, but it’s not my fault. If anyone’s, it’s MatPats, but I don’t think it’s useful to just blame someone else. That’s how the story ended up going, and that’s fine. This is Evil Xisuma we’re talking about, their inconsistent lore is what made them such an interesting character. And notably, Pooka made an animation with an awesome culmination of Jeff, the Dreamer, Evil Xisuma, and his own sona’s story, and it makes me so happy to watch. Whatever Pooka does is of course his own choice, but I’m glad he got to give this personal story his own ending (if it is an ending, and not just the start of a new chapter!). 

Typing this all out and getting it off my chest has made me feel a lot better. For a while I wanted to make my OWN video essay about Evil Xisuma’s lore and CarnEvil’s lore, actually going episode by episode to explain it instead of just assuming you knew as much about Evil Xisuma as I did. That idea is still not off the table, but MCYT isn’t something I’m that into right now. Maybe if something else comes out about Evil Xisuma I’ll get back on it, but for now I’m fine with letting that go. But I want to make other videos, share other theories and analysis… if I have the freetime I’d love to make YouTube videos, and if I don’t have the time I’ll continue posting to my tumblr and infodumping to my friends. Apparently my infodumping is valuable enough “content” to steal! Writing this out has made me feel a lot better though, I’m really glad I got it out.

If anyone ever wants to talk to me about the things I’m obsessed with, or reach out to me as a source in a bigger discussion about Game Theory or other channels, my inbox is more than welcome :] Thank you for reading! 

Sincerely, a tumblr user.

[cry-stars]

Komaeda and Dementia: Part 1 of 5: Introduction and Overview of FTD

Hi everyone!

I’m an aspiring Komaedologist with an interest in dementia. I often see people doubting Komaeda’s stated diagnosis of frontotemporal dementia, since it presents differently in him than in the common portrayal of dementia in the media. While his portrayal may not be completely accurate, there is a lot of truth to it, and there are many symptoms visible in-game. I wanted to share a few posts about dementia symptoms that we do see canonically in Komaeda’s portrayals in SDR2 and DR:AE, and share some information regarding his specific diagnosis as opposed to Alzheimers, for example.

I work with people living with dementia as a recreation worker. This means that I see them living their daily lives, and know about difficulties they might have with recreational or day to day activities. There are a lot of observations that I might make that can’t be backed up scientifically yet, but do make sense in a practical way. Everyone with dementia is different, and since I work with seniors for the most part, some observations won’t transfer onto Komaeda. However, I’ll do my best to back up whatever I can with sources.

This post is just for fun and to give people ideas. It means a lot to me to see a fascinating and endearing character like Komaeda portrayed with dementia, since it is a sad and terminal disease, and I usually see it end badly in my job, so I hope to give people ideas on how to portray it, or just to notice things in a different way they might not have before!

My main sources for this post and the following ones include “Dementia Diaries,” which is a really cool project where people with dementia talk about their experiences, National Institute on Aging, Alzheimer’s Association, Alzheimer’s Society, and my own work experience. I plan on doing more posts about specific symptoms that we see in Komaeda later, but I would be happy to hear from other people who have dementia knowledge, or to answer any questions that I can.

For the most part, I'm only going to be talking about SDR2 and a little bit of DR:AE. I haven't finished watching the anime yet and have not read any of the manga. If anyone has ideas from any of those sources, I would love to hear about them!

Overview of FTD: Which Variant does Komaeda Have?

There are two major forms of frontotemporal dementia. The first, which Komaeda likely has, is the behavioural variant (BvFTD), which is also the most likely for young people to develop. This variant of FTD mainly affects behaviour, empathy, judgement, and planning.

Komaeda is less likely to have the other variant of FTD, primary progressive aphasia. This form of FTD mainly affects language skills, including speech and comprehension.

Komaeda doesn’t seem to have very much trouble with understanding the concrete content of what people say to him, but he does occasionally seem to have trouble fully comprehending hidden meanings behind statements (for example, taking statements literally rather than as sarcastic). To me though, this is less connected to him not being able to understand the words or content of statements, and more not picking up on the emotions hidden in the statements (which I’ll address more in the behavior post). He does seem to have some trouble with word-finding in the Japanese version of the game, but again, it doesn't inhibit his ability to express himself given enough time to speak.

Another thing to note about FTD is that, in its early stages, it mainly affects behaviour and language processing, as stated above, rather than memory. In later stages, memory does start to be affected as well, but it’s different from Alzheimers (probably the most well-known form of dementia) in that memory loss isn’t the main symptom.

FTD’s prognosis is about 6-8 years. Komaeda states in his fifth free time event that his life expectancy is between half a year and one year. However, he is also referring to his lymphoma diagnosis, meaning he expected to die from a combination of both illnesses within that time frame. In SDR2, Komaeda is probably in the early to middle stages of FTD, since he was diagnosed right before entering Hope’s Peak, and was a Remnant of Despair for some time without treatment, so while we can see evidence of memory issues (which I will address in another post), it’s something he’s able to cope with and isn’t a debilitating symptom yet.

One more observation: while dementia as a whole is usually seen in elderly people, Komaeda’s specific frontotemporal dementia diagnosis has an earlier age of onset, usually between ages 40-65, and is rarely seen in elderly people. Even though being diagnosed in high school seems unlikely, it is not impossible. According to Alzheimer Society Canada, early-onset or young-onset dementia (between ages 18 and 65) accounts for 2-8% of all dementia cases.

Thank you for reading! I plan on making five posts total. The other post topics will be Outward Behaviour, Judgement/Thought Processes, Other Symptoms, and Writing Ideas.

[ladytabletop]

Lady Tabletop's Primer for Getting into Tabletop Roleplaying Game Design Philosophy

Sam Dunnewold over at the Dice Exploder podcast has posed a fun question to his discord server: where would you tell people to start if they wanted to know more about TTRPGs and design?

First and foremost, I'd tell people to start with @jdragsky's article about Systems of Relation.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can now understand that the games we played on the playground were identical in nature to the tabletop RPGs I would grow up to play and help design.

Next, check out Thomas Manuel's analysis of the Axes of Game Design over on the Indie RPG Newsletter.

So the basic exercise is trying to figure out the standard axes or spectrums on which every game can fit. The idea is for these axes to be as descriptive and objective as possible.

Thirdly (and lastly for the purposes of this blog - it's entry-level, not comprehensive), check out this reddit thread about lonely fun.

The Lonely Fun is all of the stuff you do as a part of your hobby away from the table, in any way you might engage. For D&D 5e players, this is usually building complicated and elaborate characters on the page, pouring over the books for new races and subclasses, figuring out fun new combinations, and carefully crafting characters.

Read those? Now check out BALIKBAYAN: Returning Home by @temporalhiccup

Will we be able to outrun our Masters and those who hunt us down? Can we use our magic to bring about the rebirth of the city and all Elementals? ill this be our RECKONING or our HOMECOMING? That’s what we play to find out.

Why I make these particular recommendations below the cut.

All of these recommendations are hopefully all entry-level. I tried to stay away from any essays, blogs, or articles that reference game movements you may not have heard of or that require tons of reading before you can even read my recommendations. Some do have links to other stuff, and if you're enjoying the writing, definitely go down those rabbit holes! These are a tiny, tiny portion of my "TTRPG Homework" folder where I save essays, podcasts, etc that have helped me in my own game design journey. I'm always happy to share more, just ask!

The essay on Systems of Relation put into words something I had been thinking about the more I got into indie games/design: I've been playing my whole life, and ttrpgs are just another piece of that. I think it's crucial to break out of the framework of people trying to define play and games into neat little categories. Will I ever write a game as good as the ones I played in the backyard with my siblings? Probably not, but I'd like to find out.

Now that I've told you to stop trying to categorize games, we have an article about trying to categorize games. But I do like Thomas's assessment and examples of using game design axes. I think as designers it's important to figure out the things the game is trying to do and communicate, so that we can make sure it does those things well.

Lastly, I know 5e gets a bad rap (and it's gotten it from me, too!). But the concept of lonely fun has stuck in my craw since I first saw this thread. It's why some people prefer to GM (and therefore why GM-less games might not work for some people). Not all games are going to have lonely fun, but the ones that do are still going to appeal to people! This thread was key for me in terms of considering that no game is for everyone, and it shouldn't try to be, and also helped contextualize the enjoyment I get from the occasional high-prep game.

Balikbayan as a recommendation was a no-brainer for me. I'm not going to say it's the most elegant or tight of Rae's work, but it's the one with the most heart for me. The story this game wants you to tell is so clear, and as an introduction to "Belonging Outside Belonging" as a system/concept/design philosophy. This game really sings in its character concepts and emotional play.

If you've read this far, congratulations! I've been enjoying the DE podcast (even when I don't agree with some of the takes) and the discord has been a cool (if at times intimidating) place to hang out. I've had a hell of a game design journey this year and I'm so excited to keep learning, and to see what media other folks participating in this blog carnival recommend!

To sign off: my best advice to designers, especially those starting out can be boiled down to three things:

When in doubt, simplify or make it silly

The two cakes theory is your best friend - game design is not a competition

Not everything has to be finished. Not every part of the creative process is fun. Find the balance between these two truths (you're going to have to do that every day).

Best,

LT

[mmogurl]

Daddy Issues Part 2: Baseline

18+ | 2k | Homelander X Reader |  protective homelander, reader’s back story is a little dark, reader might be a bit of a nympho, mentions of suicide, rape, assault, alcoholism, emotional child abuse.

My Own Writing Prompt: What if Homelander became your Daddy and was really good at it? I'm really enjoying this story so far and found myself eager to write more the next day, even after proofing a 7k chapter for my Daemon story! If you haven't read the first part yet, it's here. Part 1: Savior | Part 2: Baseline | Part 3: Spoiled | Part 4: Comfort

The first thing that strikes you about Homelander’s penthouse in Vought Tower, is how impersonal it is. It has just about as much character as the sterile white walls of a hospital room. You might even confuse it for a museum given the sheer volume of aged paintings on the walls, but most exhibitions would have more color and identity than this drab space.

You can’t help but wonder who Homelander is, because this environment certainly doesn’t tell you much. There are no pictures of him, save for the massive American flag that spans the wall behind you, and the only gaudy knick-knacks present are nonsensical shapes coated in gold. In fact, everything is gold, except for the milky white of the statues peppered throughout the floorplan, the dusky blue walls, and the brown leather couch you sit upon.

Homelander stands across from you next to the giant television screen, staring at you with an unease that you cannot place. In fact, just like his living space, he is quite difficult to read. The lingering effects of traumatic shock make this whole encounter feel even more surreal, your mind and body seeming almost disconnected from reality.

“Is this real life?” you blurt out, remembering that poor kid whose parents recorded him after he’d had dental surgery, still under the effects of anesthesia.

“What the fuck kind of question is that?” he spits back with an incredulous sneer.

You quickly realize that Homelander is one of the few men in this world that actually looks kind of hot when he’s being petulant. You tuck this fun fact to the side for now.

“It’s just…” you continue as he glares at you impatiently. “I’m sitting in your home… In Homelander’s home.” The similarity between your locale and his supe name makes you laugh pointedly, an inside joke you’re sure he won’t care for. “It’s kind of far fetched, isn’t it?” you finally state rhetorically, because really it is a stretch that you would ever find yourself here and under such circumstances.

“What? I’m the Homelander. Of course I save people. It’s kind of my fucking job,” he shrugs your observation off as his brow furls in reproach.

“Ok, sure,” you agree tentatively. “But, is it also your job to take the people you save home with you?” It seemed like a valid question, but he certainly doesn’t seem to agree.

“What did you expect me to do?” he marches towards you, holding his hands up to the ceiling. “Leave you there like that?”

“Well, no…” you consider in your slow state of comprehension. “But you could have taken me to the hospital I guess.”

He scoffs with a big huff of air through his lips as he stops in front of you, his arms now crossed against his chest.

“Fat chance. They would just let you out again the moment your physical health was cleared,” he replies in an almost gloating manner, his expression now softening slightly with condescension. “Oho, no,” he waggles a finger from side to side as if to enhance the denial further. “You need someone to save you from yourself. Someone to keep you from fucking up.”

“What?” you ask, quirking your brow and crinkling your nose at him.

“That’s right, sweetheart,” he cocks his head to the side slightly, clasping his hands behind his back as he begins to pace to the side, keeping his deep ocean eyes glued to you. “You’re going to stay with me for awhile. Get your act together.”

“Get my- What!? What do you even know about my life? You literally just saved me off the street and you’re making assumptions?? Acting like you know me or something?” You can’t help but get emotional. After all, being judged always makes you feel defensive.

“Oh, I know plenty, doll… Plenty,” he stops for a moment, facing you before turning directions and walking back the way from which he came. “First you’re gonna stop the drinking. Maybe we’ll even get you into some fucking therapy or a Sexaholics Anonymous support group, because there’s obviously something going on up there that’s causing you to act like this.”

“Oh yes, while I’m there, I’ll tell them how I’m being held hostage by fucking Homelander! I’m sure they’ll get a kick out of that.” You can’t help but roll your eyes and shake your head.

However, you do not expect the swift retribution that comes as he closes the gap between you both and grabs your chin, your jaw in his hand. “Do not test my patience,” he sounds furious, his voice grating against his teeth as he speaks with his lips no farther than an inch away from your face. “I’m trying to help you, you ungrateful little shit.”

He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath, abruptly releasing your chin so swiftly that your head lurches back from the motion. A whirlwind of thought floods your mind. How does he know so much about you? Are you really trapped here with him and how does he intend to keep you here? Will anybody even notice your gone or bother to come looking for you? All of these questions coupled with the feeling of being seen in your rawest form by a stranger is enough to make you want to fall apart. And you certainly try your best to never cry in front of anyone if you can help it.

“And why do you give a shit?” you ask, already feeling the telltale heat of tears forming in the corners of your eyes. God damnit! “Nobody else ever has.”

The hurt in your voice is evident and you're surprised when Homelander breaks away from you. He walks off down the hall until he’s out of sight and you can hear a drawer open and shut. He returns with a somber expression on his face and a couple of tissues in his hand that he holds out. You take them swiftly, resenting that he has seen you cry, but appreciating that he has given you a way to dispose of this irritating sign of weakness.

“And how could you possibly know that? Hm?” he asks finally breaking the silence, save for your sniffling. “That nobody gives a shit. Clearly I do.”

Something twists inside your gut at being brought so low. You do not like to dwell on these feelings. You don’t want to face them if you can avoid it. But, Homelander, America’s most powerful supe, is seeing you for who you are and despite that is still claiming to care about you. Oddly enough, the disturbing nature of his rationale and how he intends to force you to change against your own wishes does not seem to linger in your thoughts.

What does stay is that he cares. For you. You cannot help the flood of unwanted leaking that spills from your eyes.

“Shh, shh,” he is suddenly consoling you. “I know what’s good for you. You’re going to be alright.” His voice is reassuring as he pats you on the shoulder and rubs soothingly in small circles. You wonder if this line is rehearsed from one of his movies because it sounds familiar and so natural, unlike everything else about him.

Regardless, you can’t help but bury your face into his stomach, turning your head to the side as you wrap your arms around his waist. You have not felt a sense of comfort like this in a very long time and you almost forget that you are weeping like a baby.

“I don’t deserve it,” you find yourself whimpering against his torso, leaving wet tear stains on his suit. “Even my parents didn’t think I was good enough to love.”

He scoffs against his lips once more. It’s not a sign of annoyance this time, but disdain for the lack of kindness you’ve received in your life. “Fuck your parents,” he says with contempt. “I’ll take care of you. Hell, I’ll be your fucking Daddy, and show you what your father clearly failed to.”

You’re blown away by his proclamation. My Daddy? What the fuck is he talking about?

You pull back and look up at him, your eyes wide and wet from crying. He looks down at you without a hint of doubt in his expression. He is completely serious.

“What didn’t he show me?” you ask almost dumbstruck by the situation. It is the only thing you can think to utter.

“That you should stop selling yourself short.” His blue eyes were clear without insinuation as a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “That you’re worth more.”

Homelander’s gloved hand slid along the line of your jaw, softly, almost tenderly. And then, just like that, he snapped out of his sympathetic trance and gave you one of those camera ready grins.

“Whelp! First things first,” he said keeping that blithe expression with his cheekbones raised high as he gained some distance away from you. “I’m gonna have to get you a copy of the key card and get you some new clothes. And, I guess until I can get you your own bed, you can just sleep with me.”

He rattled all of this off as though it were perfectly normal. You know you should keep your mouth shut, but you can’t help but ask the obvious questions. “If I get a copy of the key, then what’s to stop me from leaving and going home?”

“Hah! Don’t even think about it, sweetheart,” he says with a deriding laugh. “I know where you live for one. And let’s face it! There’s nowhere you can hide from me. So taking off without permission would only serve to piss me off.” You listen as his tone mimics the ups and downs of a particularly peaked roller coaster ride, going from warning to jovial. “So, let’s not do that, alright?”

“Alright,” you agree because what else are you really going to say to the man who can laser you in half just like he did to your attempted rapist not long ago. Besides, he is being rather nice and you do hate your fucking job so much. “Do I still have to work?” you ask chaining off of that thought.

“God no,” he sneers as though the idea were outlandish. “No, you don’t have to work. In fact, I’d prefer you didn’t. You can sit around and do whatever you want. Go wherever you want. As long as you let me know and make time for me when I require it.”

You have to admit, this is sounding better and better. “What about my stuff? Can’t I just go and get it then?”

Homelander winces almost mockingly. “No can do,” he offers his feigned condolences. “I think it’s better to just start off fresh, hm? Besides, I can get you anything you want. Why bother holding onto any of that junk?” It sounds like a question, but once again is clearly more of a demand.

“What about pictures? My collectibles?” you ask, because in truth, the only things you really care about, your only good memories from your childhood, can’t easily be replaced.

He rolls his eyes as he crosses his arms, raising one hand to his chin in contemplation. “You really want to remember those assholes?”

You consider his words and begin to think he might be right. Maybe a fresh start would be best. It seemed looking back at old pictures of your mother only ever served to make you upset and bitter.

“Fine,” you acquiesce, “But I want my video games. I have a small fortune in vintage Playstation discs that I’m not letting go.”

Homelander gives you a torn little grimace, shaking his head until he’s nodding. “Fine,” he capitulates without anger.

And now it seems like you’re finally striking some kind of accord together. A baseline for how things will be between you both. It seems clear that he is a bit of a control freak and you understand that quite implicitly because you’re one as well. The only thing left to be discovered is whether or not the two of you will enjoy each other’s company or be driven crazy by it. Continue to Part 3

[goodluckclove]

A Laundry Guide for People Who Have Obvious-Sounding Questions They're Too Afraid to Ask

Maybe you’ve never been taught how to use homemaking alchemy to transmogrify dirty clothes and linens into clean ones. Maybe you brute-forced every interaction with a washer and dryer, resulting in something that seems passable – but you’re pretty sure it’s wrong.

It is so easy to look into the process of doing laundry and immediately fall down a spiral of anecdotal information and razor’s edge-precise rules. There’s something ritualistic about engaging with laundry, some eldritch dread in looking at all the compartments of your average Laundry Device and wondering what the fuck you’re supposed to do with them.

I might be projecting at this point. Let’s break it down.

How Often Do I Wash The Things???

This is. Strange to look into. I’m pretty confident in my Laundry Wizardry, but as soon as I started looking into the arguments of how often people say you should wash certain linens and fabrics around the house, I was immediately overwhelmed.

Like, I trust Good Housekeeping. They’ve been around for over 100 years, so I think if they were an unreliable source of information someone would’ve caught it by now. But after looking at their posted guide breaking down laundry frequency depending on the article of fabric?

Fucking hell. God damn.

I believe them, okay? I believe there’s merit to their suggestions. But at the same time, I’m not about to wash my hand towels and wash clothes every goddamned day that’s insane.

I can try and translate it into something that’ll maybe be a little more comprehensible to people who either don’t have access to an in-unit washer and dryer, or are just a little frazzled in the head when it comes to executive function. Maybe you can see this and get some ideas on how to adjust things for your own lifestyle. I do my main wardrobe once or twice a week, and here’s how I work it out the special cases in my brain:

These are kind of gross pretty much immediately, so make sure you have enough to get you through a week: socks, underwear, smaller towels,

Things I aim to wash these like 1-2 a month: sheets, pillowcases, blankets, bath mats

These should also be cleaned, but there’s enough nuance that it requires special consideration: pillows, comforters, certain sweaters or jackets

In my house we stay real cozy and have  a stockpile of massive blankets we’re wrapped in pretty much anytime we’re at home. If I only washed these blankets every three months, my wife would dissolve into dust like the climax of a Marvel movie.

Also, flat-out, I don’t wash my pillows. The steps to do that are unfathomable to me, even though I see the purpose. I’ve also read enough to grasp that it’s pretty easy to mangle a pillow by putting it in the wash. It sounds much more accessible to spot clean with a solution of mild dish-washing liquid, spritz them with a disinfectant spray (Lysol makes one, the off-brand ones are likely just as good), and maybe using baking soda to deodorize.

I’ll touch on that more on a separate, dedicated cleaning guide – which is where I’ll also talk about stains. I can’t get into that here without making this far too long and frightening.

It is Time to Do The Laundry Now. Hold My Hand. It's Okay, We're In This Together

Step One: Figure Out What You're Washing

Resist the temptation to overload your machine. If you’re using a laundry room or laundromat, it might seem like a good strategy to save a few bucks. Honestly, whether or not it's worth it in the long run is up to you. It'll increase the likelihood of certain materials getting damaged, as well as decrease how clean some things get. But if every load of laundry costs you like two bucks, sometimes you gotta' do what you gotta' do.

How do you know you’re overloading a washing machine? There are a few obvious signs, like if the door struggles to close, or if the washer is noticeably shaking and buzzing during the spin cycle. If you also notice your clothes are still dirty after washing, or speckled with soap residue, that usually indicates you're washing too much at once.

That’s why separating loads is so useful. You may have heard people mention separating their light and dark fabrics. The reasoning behind that is because darker fabrics bleed their dye at hotter temperatures, so if you wash darker clothes in cold water they keep their vibrancy for longer. With newer detergents and washing machines, though, this is much less of an issue.

Even when I was using far older machines – in my second apartment’s laundry room, for instance – I never prioritized this. I instead separate loads based on need and use. I try and reserve bedding and bath towels for their own loads, because they take up a lot of space. If I had more delicates I’d probably separate those into their own thing too.

If the laundry’s really piled up because my brain exploded, I will also go ahead and make a load or two of just underwear, bras, and a few core outfits I feel comfy and cute in. It’s not glamorous, but it works!

Step Two: Get Your Goos. It's Goo Time, Baby

The following is a breakdown of the basic goos and liquids you can use to make your clothes good. How you use them depends on whether or not your machine has a detergent compartment, which is usually seen as a small drawer in the front of certain machines that can be pulled out to load detergent, bleach, and fabric softener as needed.

If a machine doesn’t have them, you put all your Laundry Potions directly into the drum – that’s what they call the main tumble pit that washes and cleans your fabrics.

Stain Remover: If you're treating a fresh stain, the right time to do it is before you throw it in the wash. The heat of the dryer sets the stain, so you want to douse it in that Good Good as soon as you can. They sell dedicated stain removers (Shout and Oxyclean are pretty good). If you don't have those, using an old toothbrush to scrub the area with a small amount of dish soap before sponging it down with a little bit of white vinegar helps with a lot of basic stains. You might want to let treated clothes sit for fifteen minutes or so before you throw it in the wash. If using a spray stain remover, consult the instructions with more faith than me.

Detergent: Comes in powder, liquid/gel, and pods. How the fuck do you choose between these options, you might be asking? Depends on what you can afford and what you value. Powder is usually the cheapest, and often the most environmentally-friendly, but it can be slow to dissolve at lower temperatures. Liquid and gel detergents are the best for colored fabrics because it tends to be bleach-free. Certain cities also have refilleries, or zero-waste shops where you can often get bulk detergents and soaps. The pods are are also bleach-free, and usually multi-functional, but they tend to be the most expensive variety and leave plastic waste.

Bleach: Bleach comes in two main varieties: chlorine/oxygen-based, or non-chlorine/color-safe. In laundry, it's used to remove stains and brighten clothes. I'm putting special emphasis on these varieties because I have a longstanding, unreasonable fear of using bleach in laundry. Chlorine bleach will stain the fabric of colored clothes, so don't use it if you don't want that to happen. If your machine has a detergent compartment, it’ll have a separate place for liquid bleach. If it doesn’t, or if you’re using powdered bleach, you can put it directly into the drum. With liquid bleach, you’ll want to start the wash first and let the drum fill partway with water before adding the clothes. How much bleach you use will depend on the brand and size of the load, but it’ll usually be around ¼ cup.

Fabric softener: I'm gonna' level with you - fabric softener is weird. It’s generally considered to be useful on cotton and natural fibers (Excluding wool and down). It’s also acknowledged to be a product of an age where laundry strategy was a lot less efficient, so most will say it’s optional, if not entirely unnecessary. In fact, it’s been noted that excessive fabric softener use can cause mildew buildup in certain machines. If you’re wanting a better, fragrance-free alternative that’ll also help remove soap residue and leave your towels and fabrics softer, you can use white vinegar in place of fabric softener (Either in the softener tray on the detergent compartment, or about a ¼ cup in the drum). But you can also skip this. The Ghosts of House-Spouses Past won't look down on you in disdain. They'll probably be jealous your equipment is so much better than what they had access to.

Washing Machines Have a Lot Of Settings. What - Uh - What Do I Do About That?

Yeah, man. I know what you mean. There’s a designated  “Normal” setting that I tend to stick to. Sometimes I'll do like Sanitize or Heavy Duty if shit's extra gross. We don't have a lot of really finicky fabrics in our house, and there are absolutely settings on my washer and dryer I straight up have never used and don't understand.

It helps to check the tags on whatever you want to wash. It'll say if you need to care for it in any weird way. It'll also say if it's okay to dry it, and the best heat setting to dry it if needed.

Step Three: Dry Time Baby

Fabric sheets exist and can help with static cling, as well as softening clothes and providing a nice scent if needed. A cheaper long-term alternative that’s actually more useful are dryer balls. Their default is unscented, but you can add a few essential oil drops if you want to. They do everything fabric sheets do, but they also bounce around your clothes, keeping them from getting tangled in each other and giving you a more even dry.

A dryer has a lint trap, usually on the front wall near the door opening. It’s smart to check and clean it before every load, but if it’s your own machine you can get away with doing it maybe once a week. The lint and pet fur or whatever gathers there, and if it gets too full it’ll dry less efficiently or even act as a fire hazard.

Load your clothes from the washer and dryer. Once again there’s a normal setting, but you can also adjust temperature or time if needed. I only really do that when I’m either putting something clean directly in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles, or drying clothes that are only slightly damp. In both of those cases, longer time with lower heat is very helpful.

Dry your clothes. You did it! Good job.

Oh wait shit what now.

Putting Away Your Clothes???

So the person who asked me to look into this also wanted some insight on how to fold clothes and put them away. This is a complicated issue for me.

I might get called out for this, but when it comes to the best way to put away your clothes, I strongly believe it is virtually whatever sustainable method that works for you to find clean clothes.

My wardrobe is literally into four baskets. The first is for what I dub “easy clothes”, so t-shirts, shorts, soft pants and the like. The second is for my button downs, sweaters, and slacks. The third is where I keep my dresses and jumpsuits – pretty much anything more prone to wrinkling. The fourth is my briefs, bras and socks. I am at a point in my life where I accept that I often do not have the brain space to hang or fold things a bunch of things consistently. I don’t really dress in anything prone to wrinkling, and anything that proves an issue I just toss it in the dryer for like ten minutes before I go out. I hear hanging it up in the bathroom while you take a shower also works to steam out the wrinkles, but I personally haven’t tried that.

I’m not even going to suggest different ways other people fold clothes. They exist. The “life hacks” are out there, but if you know in your heart of hearts that you will not be able to LARP as an Old Navy employee every time you put away clothes, these tips will not help you.

There is no wrong way to put away clothes if it keeps your clothes clean and accessible for you. If you’re freaked about wrinkles you can try rolling your clothes. Or buy a handheld steamer. You can get one from a big-box store for like less than twenty bucks and they’re great for bedding too.

Be free be clean my friends.

Do you have a request for an in-depth guide like this on something you think you should already know? Reach out to me through DM or ask box and let me know!n

[copperbadge]

RE watching thoughts: I’m not 100% sure, but it might be that the whole “I am not my thoughts” is about engaging and identifying with your metacognition MORE than your initial thoughts. Because I get where you’re coming from - what is a consciousness but a collection of thoughts and feelings? But you can also have thoughts about your own thoughts that are more useful for dealing with whatever situation you’re in, I guess. (Random aside - every time I start thinking about thinking about thinking my brain inevitably starts thinking about Tiffany Aching and The Wee Free Men.)

I really should have replied to this ask sooner because it's going to seem like a non-sequitur now (this was sent much earlier in March) but I'm kind of glad I didn't, because I've been chatting with people about this and I think I understand more why there's an emphasis in some therapies on the idea that we are not our thoughts.

(I uh, haven't read the Tiffany books so I'm not much help there.)

I am coming to understand that many, perhaps most, people judge themselves, comprehensively and harshly, based on their thoughts. Perhaps it's just a lot of people who struggle with mental health, but given the commonality of the sentiment I don't know if I'd confine it that tightly; generally it appears that people cannot conceive of themselves as anything other than a binary of good or bad. So many people I've talked to about this portion of DBT, the watching-questioning-identifying thoughts portion, say that it helps to snap them out of a spiral of "I'm a horrible person, I deserve to suffer/die, I can never be redeemed" after they've failed at something, or had a negative thought, or reacted poorly to an unexpected event.

That is not something I've ever experienced. I mean, jokingly maybe, but not in a real, internal sense.

And that's not to brag -- I'm not saying I think I'm a good person, either, because I don't think I'm a good person. I don't conceive of myself in terms of good or bad. I never cuddle my cats and think "I'm such a good cat dad" or forget to feed them and think "I should die now." I have a perpetual morally neutral attitude towards my own existence; my thoughts and actions might trend me one direction or another but I'm aware of the temporary nature of that. If I fuck up I'll worry about who I might have hurt or whether I'll be fired or what's going to happen as a consequence, if I am polite to someone who didn't deserve it I know I was acting kindly in the moment, but I don't make an inherent moral judgement of myself based on that. And it seems like the vast majority of people do. Which you would think would make me feel pretty good about myself, but honestly...I don't know.

A lot of people I know who have ADHD or are Autistic have talked about seeing themselves as other, as alien -- like that one webcomic artist who draws themself with little antennae to indicate they're strange and different. I've always understood why one might do that, but I never felt that way myself, before or after the diagnosis. After all, let's remember, I was The Normal* Child of my siblings, and if I was The Normal One before the diagnosis, why wouldn't I remain Mostly Normal after?

* As ever, I'm using "normal" as a cultural term, to indicate what we think of as mainstream, not because normal is a thing that really exists.

My life has been relatively solitary -- I have friends and family and I love them but I'm rarely part of a large group, I don't spend a lot of time out in public interacting with people, I'm not a big socializer. Before the Adderall, I really couldn't be, I took too much psychic damage from interpersonal interaction, so I chose those very carefully. And now my DBT class has been a rare moment when I'm encountering contradictions to a lot of my assumptions about the way human beings in our society interact, react, and behave. I just...don't fit that mold very well. I think of it as having crossed wiring, not in the sense that I'm faulty but just in the sense that I'm very, very different. Not Normal. It's not exactly a bad feeling but it's certainly not a great one, internalizing the sensation of alienness.

DBT is proving to be a mixed bag but not in the way I or my therapist intended -- it seems to be either things I was already instinctively doing or things that simply do not apply to me. In one way it's disappointing because it means there isn't much help to be had (we're a little over halfway through the course and I keep thinking "Maybe next class will be useful") but on the other hand it's validating that so much of what I came up with myself as unconscious coping mechanisms is literally what I would have been told to do anyway.

Sometimes it's a combination of both, though, which really blows. I guess most people, if they reframe another person's actions, actually find emotional relief in that, and I don't. An example from the class is that if someone is rude to you, you can consider how they might be having a hard day, and be polite in return; that's great, in terms of defusing a situation, and it's something I do a fair amount of. But apparently it's also something that for most people results in feeling less awful about the interaction, and that's not the case for me. Which is why so much of DBT feels to me like lying to oneself. It's not lying for most people.

So, yeah. I'm going to finish out the course and keep trying things with the therapist but I suspect given everything, I might already be at "as good as it gets" in terms of emotional work. Which isn't the worst thing in the world, and there is still the option to try medication that could help, but I think there will come a point where I'm going to have to deal with the fallout of just how different I am, and how that has impacted my life. Might end up a good thing; something I've really been trying to resolve is unhappiness over being unpartnered and highly likely to remain that way, and at least if this provides a better understanding of why, then perhaps I can process that and put it to rest in a way I've been trying to do but not succeeding well at.

So, we'll see. But I find it both fascinating and kind of horrifying how many people can believe they are irredeemably bad, even if the belief is only temporary, simply because they had an uncharitable thought or impulse. It makes me somewhat grateful for the crossed wires, at least.

[caparrucia]

I read your post about the Dead Dove Do Not Eat tag, and how you think people should take more responsibility for their own experience in the fandom sphere, and I very much agree with the points you raised. I just have a question regarding this one:

" "But what if I read something that wasn't tagged X?" Well, that's very unfortunate for you, but if it is genuinely that upsetting, you have a responsibility to yourself to only browse things explicitly tagged to not include X."

So, when I'm writing fanfics, and putting them on Ao3, should I tag their lack of things they don't include? Like, none of my fics include self harm, because I'm not willing to read it and even less willing to write it, should I put "#no self harm" in there, for people who have a worse reaction to it than I do and are following your advice?

Not asking "is it a moral imperative" because I know it isn't, but is it something you think would actually help anybody?

So, let's talk about context, because like all great spats in Fandom, this is about context.

Tags are contextual. They're flags that are trying to bring a specific demographic to your fic. Or, conversely, keep a certain demographic away from your fic. Tags are also never comprehensive. It is impossible to tag a fic comprehensively, because there will always be more tags. You can tag for the food that appears, the clothes, the political framework taken for granted. You can tag for gender or sexuality of the characters, even if the story is not about that per se. (See the large number of people annoyed when you write trans characters in stories and don't advertise it widely, despite their genital configuration having anything to do with the story at hand. Hi, Pokemon fandom. No, I will never forgive you the harassment and transphobia.)

The wording in the post, I acknowledge, might appear very dramatic at first glance. But that's because it's responding to a very dramatic, very aggressive statement. The way that certain people weaponize their trauma to try and shut down art they do not like. "This triggered me!" Is a really shitty comment to get, as a writer. Because it's usually a trap. If you extend sympathy, you will quickly find that the person yelling at you about this doesn't want platitudes or commiseration or actual resources to manage their triggers. They want you to take your fic down and remove it from the world, because "it triggered them." They want to treat your fic like a dog with rabbies: putting it down is the only conceivable solution, and no amount of polite rebukes (or, let's face it, annoyed snarking) will get you anywhere. They are not having a conversation with you. They have deemed you responsible for doing them harm (your work triggered them, therefore you, personally, set out to trigger them) and they're not willing to take anything less but the obliteration of your work as restitution.

The response "lol, that's a you problem, if it's so bad, you have a personal responsibility to not read anything that isn't explicitly stated to not include the thing that triggers you" is very mean. I acknowledge that. But it's not a response that comes from community, it's a response that aims to communicate clearly and concisely that you're not available to entertain any kind of overwrought nonsense and that you're not available to be emotionally blackmailed into removing your work from circulation.

Triggers are like allergies. The people that have them have to manage them to their best of their ability, and the people who don't have those triggers could stand to do more to be accommodating, for sure. Current tag culture is in fact the result of years upon years of the Wild West Internet that us old farts are constantly talking about. See, in the old internet, there was no social expectation for tagging. You got a title, you got a rating (not always!), sometimes you got a pairing. Anything else was a roulette. Like literally anything. I used to be in FMA fandom way back before AO3 and tag culture was a thing and let me tell you, the amount of times I ended up mid-incest fic because the initial premise sounded like a cute brothers bonding scenario? More than once. There was no tag for incest. Someone threw a fic into an IRC channel with a generic "this one was good!" and it could be ANYTHING. Literally anything!

Here's where I disagree with a lot of The Olds who whine about The Old Days: the Old Days way of doing fic? Awful. Shitty. Traumatizing, legitimately. I love tag culture. I think tag culture is one of the nicest, most amazing things we as a fandom have come together to do. It gives so much freedom for the author to choose how much they want to spoil/warn form, and it also gives readers so much freedom of choice! It's a great system! Not a perfect one. No system is perfect. But it's a great compromise. I don't think people understand how utterly revolutionary the Archive Warnings are, in AO3. Just narrowing it down to those four! (Underage, Non-Con, Graphic Violence and Character death, for those uninitiated, as well as the opt out of Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings.) This system allows the most widespread triggers and preferences to be respected. If you don't like fic about people under 18 doing anything relationship related? Slap that Underage and the Choose Not To Warn archive warning in your exclude options and you're good. Same for non-con. Or Character death! The way the Archive is setup, this guarantees you will not see fic with that.

That's revolutionary! It's great! We should hype it more.

This is one of the reasons why I'm so testy about the Dead Dove tag. I know the ship has sailed, the tag has changed meaning and it is a completely different function now, than when it started. (This is also why I don't respond to the handful of people who insist that my history is wrong and the tag is useful actually! They're missing the point of the post and also I was there when the tag first came about. I'm in the reblogs of the original post.) The problem with Dead Dove is not itself, but that its a symptom of people - most commonly antis, but really, this isn't a group-specific behavior, stupidity is policy neutral - using tags not to find fic to read or to filter out fic they don't want to read, and instead using them to find people to harass. That endangers the whole system, because people stop using understandable, straightforward tags for their stuff and instead start making convoluted spaghetti tags that only make sense in-group to try and avoid getting caught in the harassment campaign. And that sucks! That kind of behavior should be publicized and blacklisted in fandom. Ostracize people who try to misuse categorization tools as weapons of abuse, and endanger the entire system in the process. Fuck them.

To your point, should you add "no self-harm" to your fic? I don't know! I don't know your fic. Does it make sense for you to add it? Do the rest of the tags in your fic paint a picture that might require that clarification? I think the underlying conversation is that people who fearmonger about their triggers and try to use their trauma to bully strangers on the internet are really very stupid. Most stories don't include a tag about self-harm because most stories don't include any self-harm at all. Same with sexual acts. Or crimes. Tags highlight content that might be expected based on the culture the fic is coming from. If you write fic for the alien incest show (Trigun) and your fic somehow doesn't have any aliens or incest in it, it would be worthwhile to tag it for it. Just because people might expect it! Or if you're writing about depression and spiraling and mental health crisis for a character but very specifically not about self-harm? Yeah, that'd make sense to highlight that.

Ultimately, as the author, you get to choose the tags you put in, and in doing so, you choose the audience you're targeting. This is where the triggers as allergies metaphor breaks though. Fanfic is not a necessity. It's a privilege. It's a gift writers give their fandom and no one in their fandom is entitled to it. That's why tags are optional. That's why you can still rawdog fic the way we used to, and read through "Chose not to warn" And all the stories that have a fandom and a pairing and a rating, and then nothing else. No one's life is being endangered, if they don't get to read any given fic. Does it suck to be excluded in a community space? Sure! But it's not life or death and treating it like such is the source of much of the headaches around this.

Fanfic is a gift. If you have very bad triggers, you have a responsibility to yourself to only accept gifts that are explicitly for you (tagged around your personal triggers). You can always ask, but an author is always entitled to decline to tag their work. And they're not being an asshole for it. Social media has poisoned people into seeing any interaction as a you vs them situation, but the truth is people are just trying to vibe.

[animalsalvationassociation]

Calling all Octo-Agents!

Yes! You! Please read till the end, and if you don't have the patience/energy for it rn, come back later! It'll be worth it I promise!

So the holidays are now pretty much over, (except for New Years ofc, but I digress.) meaning I've been looking for new ways to improve my Au. You see, it's come to my attention that I'm not as organized or as thorough as I thought I was.

I've created a lot of lore/characters for this Au, but not very many people really know what's going on anymore. Even I get lost, and it's been a little frustrating ngl. So, seeing as this blog is officially over a year old, I think it's time to "fix" my mistakes and take a new approach.

Ya'll might've noticed that I've been slowing down on content. I haven't been spending as much time on my art, meaning the quality (well I wouldn't say it's gotten worse) hasn't been as strong as some others I've created in the past.

(Don't get me wrong, I'm not making a resolution for the new year, that's dumb and we all know those never last.)

So here's what I'm promising instead since this clearly is the only thing I'm allowed to work on at the moment (not saying I don't have other projects, but if I want to actually publish this story at any point I'm going to have to spend as much time as I can on it, meaning I have to make some sacrifices - RIP my FNaf's & Undertale fanfics)

1. Full Character Redesigns

Taking all the core characters (The Octonauts / Octo-Agents / Y.N. & Fae / The A.S.A. / C.L.A.D.E. / etc.) and giving them a full reference sheet with details, headcanons, and an updated design.

Creating family/relationship tree for those characters (parents/siblings/love interests/etc.)

Family/Team “Photos”

Crossovers (I will still be doing multiple crossovers and soon they will get their very own redesigns!)

2. Updating the Master Post

3. Updating the “Pinned” Blog Post

For reference this will no longer be the current top post with all of the A.S.A. members, but a poster I will create for the fanfic to make the blog appear cleaner. (I won’t delete that post I’m just going to unpin it since the designs are old and not as useful as they used to be)

4. Asks will open January 1st, but I will not start answering any asks before February 1st!

That is so I can properly prepare and reevaluate the blog’s content so there is more information available to anyone who wants to ask questions for the Octonauts/Octo-Agents.

5. A.S.A.’s Rating & Genre (Fanfic)

This story will now be classified as Cryptozoological Fiction, with partial Horror / Science Fiction & will be drawing straight from Folklore & Mythology. (For “Sci-Fi” don’t think space/aliens, think Cryptids in a scientifically evolved world.)

The rating is now PG-14

(Poll Results)

6. Fanfiction

This is really for the fanfiction itself. I’m still trying to figure out how to go about this. As of this current moment I have 1, maybe 2 chapters written out, and soon I hope to have more. However I am my own editor/beta reader, so it might not be as polished as I’d like to be, but I’m just going to have to accept that.

Unless I can find a bunch of people who can do that stuff for me, for fun, that’s the state this story will be in. You’ll have to have patient with me, I’m using all the tools I have at my disposal (Grammarly, Google Docs, LibreOffice, etc.) but I am a human with heavy ADHD and reading/comprehension disabilities, so please be kind.

7. Weekly Posts

I will still be posting weekly, just not on Tuesdays. I realize it’s only been stressing me out to post on that day every week and so I’ve been abusing my attempts at a proper sleep schedule because of it. I still work a very busy retail job and will have to get a secondary job sometime soon, so unfortunately you’ll just have to add me to your notifications if you want to know when I’ve posted.

8. The Future . . .

This one is for anyone who’s gotten this far. I want you to know that the Octonauts still mean so much to me. Even if we aren’t getting updates anymore, the community is still somewhat alive even if it's only a few of us. Maybe one day we’ll get our kickstart, but for now I will continue making content until I’m satisfied with the story and it’s ending. If I stray every now and then, that’s just because I have the attention span of a goldfish with a million hobbies and fandoms that constantly need attention. I love you guys and I promise to do my very best to make my mark on the internet, even if it’s for a silly kids show about talking/walking/nerdy animals who save fish every day.

9. January's Posting Plan

Week 1: Finishing the Octonaut's Headcanons

Week 2: My Christmas gift to the Community

Week 3: Silly Y/N & Fae Content (No it doesn't make sense, deal with it)

Week 4: Screencap Redraw

Week 5: Starting Redesigns

If you made it this far . . . here's a cookie and the secret formula.

🍪🍾

[eddisfargo]

Not a Day Will Go By (13/14)

Well... I thought it had been over a year since I last updated, and I was feeling pretty bad about it. But apparently it's been... over two ??? I owe you all a huge apology, especially my giftee, @resident-of-storybrooke, and I will give you that apology! In the form of another 4K words, and a change from 12/? chapters to... 13/14. But wait! There's more! I already have most of the next chapter written! And it's the LAST, unless I split it, because it is lorge. Thank you so much for every comment y'all left. I didn't want to reply until I could reply with good news, but every time someone left a comment or a kudos, it gave me hope that there were still people who wanted to read this story, and set a writing fire under me. I cannot tell you how much each comment made my day! And thanks above all to @motherkatereloyshipper for immediately agreeing to beta again after all this time!! And once again for the gorgeous banner. Okay no further ado, hope you enjoy!

AO3 Ch 1 Ch 2 Ch 3 Ch 4 Ch 5 Ch 6 Ch 7 Ch 8 Ch 9 Ch 10 Ch 11 Ch 12 Ch 13

Fic summary: Captain Hook wakes up in a strange bed, next to a woman he does not remember. He finds nothing particularly unusual about this situation. But the woman seems to know him very well.

In Storybrooke, there’s only one surefire way to get back a lost memory. And it’s not going to work until he loves her.

Chapter summary: Hook confronts some things. And some people.

As the door of the shop loomed nearer, Hook’s nerves returned. Whatever Emma had said to the contrary, he needed to focus on finding a way to enact his revenge. At least his promise to do no murder today took some of the immediate pressure off. 

Emma turned to him, noticing that he’d paused. She gave him an encouraging smile. “Let’s go see if that knock on the head jogged any of his memories.” That got a reluctant smile out of him, and she waited another moment until he nodded before opening the door. 

At the chime of the shop’s bell, the Crocodile turned – expressly, it seemed, to sneer directly at Hook. “Oh good,” he said flatly. “They’re back.” 

“Anything?” Emma asked, addressing her question to the Queen. 

It was the Crocodile who answered. “Shockingly,” he drawled, “I don’t break under interrogation.” 

Hook glowered at the imp, who looked contemptuously back. Emma squeezed his hand once, and turned the full force of her attention to her adversary. 

“You’re right,” she said. 

Hook raised an eyebrow behind her, but she continued. 

“That’s not your MO, is it? So how about an incentive?” 

Eyes widening, Hook stepped towards her. “Emma…” he warned quietly. Even Regina was raising an eyebrow. Emma turned briefly back to face him… and winked. 

“Look, did you slip Killian a memory potion?”

“Precisely what agenda do you think I’d be furthering by–”

“Is that a no?”

The imp rolled his eyes. “Yes.” After a short pause, during which Hook weighed the ambiguous response, he deigned to clarify. “It’s a no.” 

“Good,” said Emma, seeming to take his word for it as if lying weren’t the little man’s bread and butter. “Then our interests align.” 

“Do they, indeed.” 

Emma raised her eyebrows. “Hook with no memories is kind of a loose cannon. Sneaking into your shop, scattering all your junk… chatting up your wife…” 

It took a startled moment for Hook to recall that she’d mentioned a new wife, and had not , in fact, been referring to Milah. He opened his mouth to protest that he’d never even met the woman, but the delay in comprehension had been long enough for Emma to meet his eyes significantly. So rather than speaking in his own defense, he gave the Dark One a malevolent grin. 

The Crocodile adjusted his hands on his cane. “Convincing me I’d rather be rid of your husband is a bold gambit, Miss Swan. Surely there are other ways I could accomplish that than by… helping.”

Hook bristled. Emma had said something about having kept her name, but surely she wasn’t a Miss . Also, the man seemed to be threatening his life, which, in retrospect, Hook supposed was more of a reason to take offense. 

Emma crossed her arms. “There are,” she agreed, showing no sign of concern, “but wouldn’t it be sad for little Gideon to grow up fatherless? Again?” 

Now who in the bloody hell was Gideon? Was Hook supposed to have a child too? He could make nothing of the “again,” but he had more than enough to start sweating. Surely, surely any spawn he might’ve sired would’ve come up in conversation before now. He wanted quite badly to ask, but he didn’t want to admit ignorance in front of enemies. He’d bring it up later.

“Don’t you think,” Regina broke in, sounding bored,  “that if threats were all it took, he’d have sung by now?” 

Emma sighed. “You’re right. Regina, are you sure he knows anything?”

“Positive. He usually keeps a stock of Oblex residue, but today it’s mysteriously out of stock. Someone must’ve bought it. If it had been stolen, I’m sure he’d have made you do something about it before now.” 

“What the hell is an Oblex?” Emma asked. 

“Something you don’t want to meet,” Hook answered, bloody overjoyed to finally, finally know something that Emma didn’t. 

Regina looked at him as if she’d forgotten he was in the room. The Crocodile looked as if he wished he could. He’d almost expected Emma to be surprised he knew something, but in fact, she looked expectant. Almost as if his actually possessing relevant knowledge was not unusual. Huh. 

He cleared his throat. “An oblex is a sort of sentient ooze. They’re clever little beasties. Had to fight one off years back, off the shores of the Sword Coast. Near lost the ship’s doctor.” He saw that he had, at the least, Emma’s undivided attention, and he didn’t much care for the others. “You don’t want to lose a fight with one of those. Nasty blighters will eat your –” He froze, and finished more quietly. “...Memories.” 

“And that’s why,” Regina concluded, “their residue is the primary ingredient in a forgetting potion. It’s not easy to get, which is why I’m pretty sure you’d notice if some went missing. ” 

“And if–for the sake of argument–I’d sold some…” the Crocodile began, oozing insincerity. “The ingredient is not only usable in forgetting potions. In fact, I recently heard that it can be combined with certain herbs to create a tea, to ease a troubled mind.” 

Emma raised her eyebrows at the Queen, awaiting confirmation. Regina looked skeptical. “Oh? And where did you hear that, I wonder?”

“Now that you mention it, I recall a strapping young gentleman who came into my shop some time past, looking to make such a tea for his ailing aunt, or great aunt–something to that effect.” 

“Oh?” Emma said, with thinly-veiled interest, as if they were each playing their parts in the conversation. “Did he find what he was looking for?”

“One never knows what one will find in my shop.” It was incredible how such relatively inoffensive words could still make you want to knock someone’s teeth out. Maybe it was just his voice. 

“And what would be the price of such a valuable ingredient?” Emma asked politely. “If you found it?”

“As it happened, the young man’s relation had a few recipes I did not already know–a rare thing indeed.” 

There was a short pause, as everyone in the room considered.

“If I were to ask you for the surveillance footage…” Emma attempted.

“I don’t keep it longer than a week.” 

“Of course,” Emma said, sounding unsurprised. “That would’ve been too easy. Well, what did he look like?” 

The imp shrugged. “Not especially notable.” 

“Anything you remember? Anything at all? Hair?” 

“He wore a hat, but I believe it was dark.” 

“Build?”

“I wasn’t selling him clothes.”

Evidently, he was determined to make her pry any piece of information out of him. 

“You called him a strapping young man. What does that mean, exactly? Muscular? Athletic? Bulky?” 

“I suppose. I really didn’t take any special notice.” Hook wondered if the man would take any special notice of a hook in his throat. 

“Any notable facial features?”

“He may possibly have had a larger than average chin.” 

“Okay… anything else?” 

“Not particularly,” he said flatly. “Well, that does seem to be all I can recall about any recent customers. Now, if you would kindly vacate the premises, I would very much like to close for the day. It seems my shop could do with some… reorganizing.” Without turning his head, he leveled a glare Hook’s way.  

Without conscious thought, Hook found himself looking at Emma to determine their course of action. She turned to him, seeming satisfied with the day’s work. She exchanged a glance with Regina, who nodded. And, without taking their leave of the shop’s owner, they left. 

Somehow, Hook didn’t notice until the shop was well behind them that his hand was in hers. 

They walked in a companionable silence until they were far enough from the shop that Hook could breathe freely again. Hook sorted through all the questions with which the interview had left him, and tried to decide what to ask about first. He wanted to ask about Gideon , but the dread of finding out who he might be–not a son, surely not a son–made it difficult to form the words. 

Finally, he made himself open his mouth. “Swan,” he blurted, with no clear idea what he’d say next. She blinked, as if he’d pulled her out of some intense concentration, but after a moment she turned to him with a smile.

“What’s up?” she asked, raising her eyebrows inquiringly. 

Who is Gideon? “Did we…” have a child? He cleared his throat. “...actually learn anything from that interview?” He held back a sigh. Coward . 

She grinned. “Enough to get started with. We have a profile on our potential perp. Maybe the great aunt is real, maybe she isn’t, but it’s a small town. And at least Gold’s condescended to narrow the playing field a little. If they’ve got ‘recipes’ Gold’s interested in, they’re probably not out-of-towners. And I have a kind of vague physical description, if he was being forthright about all of it. I’ve definitely got enough to search with. Finding people is…” Her smile was lovely, and behind her modesty, he could see some pride. “Kind of my thing.” All at once, Hook became aware that Emma was caressing the hand she was holding. “Want to come?” 

“I–think I have some business to attend to,” he said, perhaps less firmly than he’d intended. She looked a bit crestfallen, and he added, “Sorry, love,” before thinking to question why he was apologizing. He didn’t owe her a bloody apology for being busy. He searched his mind for a story she’d accept for what he was busy with that didn’t involve searching for a weapon against the Dark One. 

“OK,” she said, leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you at home. Love you!” She hesitated before leaving, as if she was expecting something, but then smiled ruefully and walked away. It didn’t take much in the way of context to figure out what she’d been waiting for, once he gave it a moment’s thought. But surely she couldn’t expect it of him. 

He stood for a moment, watching her walk back to her brightly-covered conveyance. As he pulled his hand slowly from the cheek her lips had touched, he considered the fact that she had not, in fact, demanded his plans. The word trust flitted through his mind, leaving a feeling suspiciously like guilt. 

Well, there was nothing to be done. He had promised her no murders today, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t plan. As for the wager with the Queen, that was easily dealt with. If she rightfully owned the Jolly Roger, he could win it back the way a pirate usually won his booty. And what was one extra murder once the bet was lost?

He began to walk, allowing his feet to choose the direction–they hadn’t steered him wrong so far. He spent a pleasant moment picturing the look of surprise on Regina’s face just before his hook pierced her heart. He could see the rage turning into fear, as the man she erroneously believed was no threat came for his reckoning. And behind her, there stood Emma, eyes wide and full of tears–

A loud, dissonant noise brought him to his senses. He realized he’d stopped cold in the middle of the road, and one of those wheeled metal contraptions–a bug, had Emma called them? But this one was red, and rather larger than hers--stood behind him. He made eye contact with the person behind the glass at the front. It was a man he didn’t recognize–hardly shocking, at the moment–who threw his arms wide in a gesture of impatient disbelief. The man slammed his hand in front of him, and the awful noise repeated. 

Suddenly in quite a foul mood, Hook gave his most menacing scowl and approached the conveyance, raising his left arm to make his namesake conspicuous. As he reached the side door of the bug, less than a foot from the wide-eyed man inside, there was a loud squeal and the contraption sped away. Ahh, well. If he was going to lose the bet– when , rather–it would be for more significant reasons. A blond-haired face with a look of abject betrayal tried once more to encroach upon his imagination, but he pushed it roughly aside. He walked quickly out of the road, in no particular hurry to repeat the confrontation. 

He tried to keep his focus on what was most relevant–forming a plan. Kill the crocodile, and leave this strange place, with all of these strange people. Unfairly attractive people with soft hands. Children with Baelfire’s eyes. Complete strangers who smiled at him, like the woman across the street was doing now. How on earth she could be smiling at him despite the thunderous scowl he was–

Hook stopped to take stock of his face, to find that his scowl seemed to have abandoned him, in favor of an expression with which he was unfamiliar. His lips were turned up very slightly, but not in a smirk or a leer. And his eyes were half-closed, when they ought to have been wide open and paying attention to his bloody surroundings, because now the woman was pushing her covered cart towards him, and she looked familiar. Ahh, she was the woman he’d seen earlier, just outside of the cursed pawn shop . Except that she’d looked familiar then, too, hadn’t she? But no, her cheerful smile was not striking any chords in his mind now. 

Not only was she smiling, she was actually walking toward him. 

“Hello,” Hook said cautiously. He was dealing with an unknown quantity, and he wasn’t sure how to approach her. 

The moment he spoke, something began to strike the covering of the cart from the inside. He managed to keep from visibly startling, looking with a raised eyebrow from the cart to the woman. 

The stranger laughed. “He heard you!” She pushed back the covering on the cart, which folded as it seemed designed to do. 

From the violence of the striking, Hook had been half expecting some sort of small but fierce wild animal. What appeared, however, was a very human baby. And it was looking right at him. Its expression might charitably be called a smile, although its teeth were largely absent. 

The baby looked at the woman who was presumably its mother and had some sort of semi-verbal communication. 

“Down?” the woman said, in the tone of someone repeating what they’d heard, although to Hook’s ears the baby’s word had sounded more like “aaa!” 

Without further ado, she leaned down and set the baby loose. To Hook’s surprise, rather than toppling over immediately, it took some rather wobbly steps in his direction. He controlled the urge to back away. He was certainly not afraid of an infant–even one that seemed determined to barrel toward him. What on earth made him so nervous? It wasn’t as if the tiny thing could hurt him. On the contrary, it was so small it looked as if a rogue breeze might damage it irreparably. He gulped, reflexively moving his hook behind his back. 

“Iiiiihggh,” burbled the baby, whose strong apparent desire to continue its headfirst forward motion was beginning to lose the battle to gravity. Well, it was awfully close to the ground. 

“That’s right, darling!” the mother said encouragingly. “That’s Killian!” 

Hook started. He hadn’t been anticipating his given name from this woman. And despite what she might be pretending, the child had most certainly not said it first. 

Hook’s sudden movement was the last straw for the baby’s momentum.Killian watched in confused fascination as the little thing paused for just a moment, looking nonplussed, and then fell remarkably slowly to its bottom, where it bounced slightly. Whatever it was wearing, it clearly provided some padding. 

Hook wondered for a moment if the infant was going to start bawling, in which case he decided he’d find a reason to be elsewhere. And, indeed, the small face worked for a moment, appearing to consider the possibility. But it was distracted in the nick of time by something shining on the ground, which it examined for a moment before managing to grasp the item and beginning to bring it towards its mouth. 

“GIDEON, NO !” the woman shouted, startling Hook, who’d almost forgotten she was there. He looked quickly back at her, and in that moment, he recognized her face. It hadn’t meant much to him when she was smiling at him, but in her distress, it came back to him. 

A cell. An interrogation. A blow. 

He’d wanted to use her for information. She hadn’t known anything, so he’d… 

He caught himself grimacing, and then frowned at his own reaction. Well, and why shouldn’t he have struck her? She’d been of no use to him. But why had she looked at him just now as if… as if she was pleased to see him? Women hid their children from him. They certainly didn’t encourage those children to run to him, shouting an admittedly mangled attempt at his true name. 

The woman had picked the baby back up–he supposed it must be a lad, if its name was Gideon–and removed the shiny object from his hands, with what looked like a surprising amount of difficulty. Honestly, how much grip strength could those tiny hands possess? Still, she seemed to be struggling to keep the baby in one hand and hold the item out of his reach in another. He considered how he would accomplish such a feat with only the one. 

He shook away the ridiculous notion. When would he ever be called upon to hold a baby? 

The baby was crying in earnest now, and Killian racked his brains for an excuse to make a hasty retreat. He had just recalled the fact that he didn’t actually need an excuse–he was free to leave at any time, social niceties be damned–when he realized a few things in quick succession. The child’s name was Gideon. Gideon was not Emma’s child, much less his own. The relief of not being tied to her permanently… rather startlingly failed to materialize. He pushed the thought away quickly. 

So, Gideon belonged to this woman. As he pieced his memories of her together with what he’d heard this morning, her name came to him. 

“Belle,” he said, without really planning to. She had been precious to the Dark One. That was what he’d wanted from her. She’d been… his lover? The implications hit him like a cannonball. Suddenly, the wailing baby looked quite a bit less cute. 

Not that he’d thought it was cute in the first place.

Evidently, he’d been correct about her name, because she looked up from her game of keep-away with the squalling infant, as if remembering he was there. 

She smiled grimly, holding the baby’s treasure up a bit higher. “Old battery,” she informed him, her voice rueful. He thought for a moment that the battery to which she referred was his against her, however long ago that had been from her perspective, but she seemed to be looking at the object. She approached him. “Here, would you take this away?” 

Hook reached for it, not without curiosity. But as Belle drew nearer, Gideon switched his attention from the “battery” to him. He reached out his little hands, tears still glistening on his round cheeks. 

Belle laughed. “Well, that works too,” she said, foisting the baby directly into Hook’s arms. His mind sounded an alarm. Something in his brain shouted Hook!! It took him a moment to connect this to the source of his suddenly faster heartbeat. He quickly adjusted himself so that the baby and the hook were as far apart as possible. He’d expected this to take some serious effort–especially since he’d never held a baby in his life. But almost without conscious thought, he’d adjusted his grip so that his hook was pointed down, his shortened arm supporting the baby’s body, with his hand gripping its back. 

The bloody madwoman didn’t even look concerned. She’d walked off to dispose of the battery without a second glance. 

Uncertain what to do with himself, Hook looked down at the baby’s face. Surely there would be some evidence of malignance, if the Crocodile truly had sired him. 

The baby gave him a mostly-toothless smile. He looked fully human, if nothing else. Perhaps Belle had been less than faithful to her scaly lover. Heaven knew better women than her had done the same. Hook squinted at the little eyes, trying to discern a resemblance to his old enemy. When the spark of recognition hit him, it was not as he had expected. Bae . 

He had always credited Baelfire with his mother’s eyes. And indeed, he recalled more vividly than he would’ve credited, the color had been all too reminiscent of his lost love. But in this child’s eyes–this child, with no direct connection to dear Milah–he saw the shape of Bae’s. There was only one possible source of any similarity between Baelfire and this child–his half-brother?--but that loathsome resemblance, Killian could not see, no matter how he searched. 

“Thanks for watching him,” a voice said from right in front of him. Hook startled, but did not drop the baby. Nor did he accidentally puncture his hide, which was a danger you’d think a mother would’ve been cognizant of. How had he not seen Belle return? Had he been so lost in his thoughts? 

Belle was grinning at him. “You’re so good with him,” she said, with the air of someone who is repeating an observation.

“Ahh,” Hook said awkwardly, uncertain what to do with this bit of flagrant misjudgement. 

“Aaaaaaaah,” gurgled Gideon, contributing just as much to the conversation. 

There was a moment of silence as the baby looked lazily from one of them to the other, drooling slightly. 

“Well, it’s almost too late for Christmas shopping, so we’d best be on our way,” said Belle finally, sounding oddly amused. “That is, if you’re willing to part with him?” 

Hook felt his face heat. Had he really been so distracted he’d forgotten to return the thing to its mother? It wasn’t as if he wanted to be holding him. He’d simply lost track of time somehow. He’d rarely seen a person so young this close. It was oddly fascinating–in a horrifying sort of way. 

As Belle reached for her child, he misjudged her grip and began to let go too soon. He reflexively tried to catch him with both arms, jerking the pointed one away at the last moment and throwing his good hand under him.

Gideon giggled delightedly, and even Belle permitted herself a breathless chuckle once the lad was safely in her arms, obviously more aware than her son of what had almost happened. The barrage of kisses she pressed to his tiny, laughing face were her only concession to the moment of panic. 

She cradled the baby to her with one arm, waving goodbye with every appearance of good cheer, as Killian waited for his heart to stop hammering. He continued his interrupted walk, and tried to remember what thought he’d been in the middle of. Ahh, yes, revenge against the Crocodile. 

It must have been a half a mile later when it occurred to him–far too late–that the perfect opportunity for revenge had just been utterly squandered. That child was–presumably– his son. Why hadn’t he–why hadn’t it even occurred to him to–bloody hell, he’d gone out of his way to avoid–

His unquestioned fear of accidentally damaging the child now seemed quite preposterous. He could have simply gutted him like a fish. 

The thought of gutting a fish made him oddly nauseated. He frowned. He hadn’t tired of fish in centuries at sea. Now seemed a strange time to start. This bloody town was getting to him, somehow. Making him into a landlubber. Making him soft . Making him into the man Emma seemed to think she knew. 

What he needed was a night on the Jolly. Alone . What he needed was to get her ready to leave. 

He made it the rest of the way to the docks unmolested. There was a moment where he thought he saw a red hat exiting a warehouse, but it vanished before he could be certain. 

Once aboard his ship, he took inventory. He would need to top up his rations, although there was a small supply of cans with pictures of food on them–those uncannily lifelike pictures common to this realm. Perhaps he could make it to the next port, if nothing else. Surely he could acquire food there, legitimately or not. He’d noticed with unease that the longer he stayed in this town, the less he recognized himself. 

Hook had nearly finished taking stock of his supplies when he nearly tripped over his feet. He froze. After centuries, he knew every inch of the Jolly Roger. There had never before been a loose floorboard in his quarters. 

Closer scrutiny confirmed what his feet had uncovered. There was a small space under one of the boards making up his floor. And underneath… 

He stared, trying to think through the implications. It seemed his future self had not been so innocent, after all. The man had been keeping secrets from his lovely wife. Perhaps he hadn’t changed as much as Emma had convinced him–as much as she’d truly seemed to believe. Perhaps he had already begun the plan now taking shape inside Hook’s head. 

Hidden on the Jolly, where no one but him could ever have found it, was a bottle of squid ink.

--------------------

Tagging the same folks as last time, hope it's still welcome! Adding the "please tag for everything" crew. Let me know if you want to be added or removed for the last chapter!

@undercaffinatednightmarere, @jrob644, @kmomof4, @winterbaby89, @mie779, @elfiola, @tiganasummertree, @anmylica, @booksteaandtoomuchtv, @everything-person, @teamhook, @laianely, @booksteaandtoomuchtv, @exhaustedpirate, @anmylica, @hollyethecurious, @Gingerchangeling, @caught-in-the-filter, @ultraluckycatnd, @Stahlop, @LFH1226, @darkshadow7, @fleurdepetite, @captainswan-kellie, @motherkatereloyshipper, @sonnicat, @Jrob64, @beckettj, @whimsicallyenchantedrose, @jonesfandomfanatic, @myfearless-love

For any fellow stats nerds, this chapter was 4K words, about twice as long as the average chapter so far. And I have (drumroll) almost another 8K written. I just need to tie together all the scenes I have! Might split it if there's a good splitting place, or I might post it all at once. I'm pretty pleased with how it's turning out, aside from all the [insert words here]-type stuff in the middle.

[loveislarryislove]

FTH info and signup post here - deadline is Sunday, February 2nd!

Nervous about submitting a FTH auction?

I've been there! Writing for someone else is scary -- especially when you have no idea what you're going to be asked to write. When I signed up last year, I wondered if I was taking on too much (and indeed I did leave things to the last minute -- but I got it in just under the wire!). Once I took the leap, though I had a ton of fun, and loved the fic I wrote -- as well as the fics that were created for my bids!

Here are a few things that helped me to feel a little more confident about giving signing up a shot.

You can offer something on the smaller end! The form is incredibly customizable in many ways, including the size of what you offer. Fics that are "less than 5k words" and "5-10k words" are offered categories that are a little more bite-sized. A lot can still be accomplished in a short story :) Similarly, you can limit the scope of a drawing, the length of a podfic, or the amount of beta read-ing you feel able to offer. Or if you're interested in making a larger piece, but want to ensure a higher contribution for that effort, there's also a "dependent on donation amount" option -- or you can set a higher starting bid.

You don't have to do a fic! While fics are the largest proportion of auction offers, around a third of auctions (this year and in past years) have been for other things! There are many different categories you can submit in, from fanart to fan labor to physical crafts and beyond -- the only limit is your imagination. Here's a post with some more suggestions of different categories you could offer.

You have all year to finish! The deadline for completion isn't until December 31st, so you have about 9 months to settle on a prompt, flesh it out, and get it made. As we established above, I waited until the very end of the year to actually finish my fic, because deadlines aren't real until they're here. But what I didn't mention is that I wasn't alone -- in fact, of the over 700 fics posted to the FTH 2024 AO3 collection, more than 300 were posted after December 1st! Take your time, there's no hurry.

You can say no to prompts you aren't comfortable with. Even though this is a work you're making for someone else, that doesn't mean you have to make whatever they want. If you don't like writing a particular character, don't. If you aren't comfortable making NSFW content, don't. The auction signup lets you pre-state some of your likes and dislikes, to help give bidders a sense of what you're about and what they can expect, but even once they've won the auction, it's still totally fine to talk through ideas, suggest tweaks to their prompt, or gently turn down ideas that you really don't vibe with. It's helpful to be a bit open-minded and try to work with your bidders ideas and interests, but your feelings also still matter -- and after all, if you're enjoying the prompt, that will probably translate to a piece your bidder enjoys more!

If there are other things you're wondering or have questions about, I strongly recommend looking into the Fandom Trumps Hate FAQ -- it's super comprehensive and thorough -- and they also have a great overview of the signup form to give you a sense of what questions you'll need to answer and how adjustable your auction is to your specific wants and needs.

And if you still aren't sure if signing up is for you -- that's okay! The FTH mods (and me, and many other people) support you taking care of yourself and recognizing your own needs and capacities. You've gotta put on your own oxygen mask first, after all. And there are lots of other ways to support this event, if you feel one of those is more accessible for you.

[ironunderstands]

I've seen some people mention that at the end cutscene of 2.2, while everyone else in the dreamscape looks to be waking up/seems dazed, Ratio looks composed????? Like this is a normal Tuesday and said people said "what if he's been awake from the Order dream for actually a while lol"

Thoughts, o Aeon of Reading Comprehension?

Knowing Ratio, yeah, he probably figured out he was in a dream pretty quickly, perhaps even as early as 2.2.

There are two things that confuse this though:

It doesn’t linearly become Ena’s dream, there’s no specific moment in time where everything is no longer reality. Rather, the entirety of Penacony is slowly falling into the dream, with people like the Trailblazer going in first because of their sensitivity to Memoria. Honestly the Ena’s dream thing is very confusing, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s difficult to pinpoint when exactly Ratio woke up, but we can make a few assumptions

We just don’t see shit from Ratio’s end like, at all. The amount of screentime he has versus his importance in the story is nuts, to the point where I think they are almost deliberately hiding what went down on his end. Like bro how did you figure out Dormancy, what happened 😭

However, even with these limitations I still have somewhat of an idea of what I think happened.

The Ratio we meet next to Aventurine and Topaz following our “defeat” of Sunday likely isn’t the real Dr. Ratio. Because well, look at him. And look at them for that matter 😭 “The IPC is going to leave Penacony alone” “I Veritas Ratio am working with the Genius Society” this seems more like wishful thinking on the Trailblazer’s end rather than something that could ever happen in reality, especially since in what universe would Ratio find the time to somehow convince and work with the Genius Society on a topic neither he nor they would care about.

Moreover, this scene is also meant to make the audience go “hmm, something’s up” so the twist that it was all a dream had more impact. However, in that scene, Himeko and Welt also comment on how weird their behavior is, which makes me wonder. Were Himeko and Welt (and by extension Dan Heng and March) also experiencing the same dream as TB, or are they also fake, and TB’s closer relationship with the other members of the Astral Express makes them more realistic in Ena’s dream, objecting to the IP3’s behavior in a way they would in reality?

Anyways, tangent over, the point is, that Ratio wasn’t real, so where is the real Ratio? I’d say he’s experiencing a perfect dream of his own, just like everyone else on Penacony.

Which is why he woke up so early. Sure, the memokeepers could have sensed he was useful and woke him up so he could help wake others up, something which we can assume he’s doing based on the singular frame he gets in that cutscene.

Just based on vibes, it looks like he just helped those two people in the back wake up, and now he stands up to look at the Hunt arrows/stars/meteors? Shooting across the sky.

However, I want to entertain the idea that Ratio woke up on his own, because realistically, he 100% could.

Ena’s dream, and well, Penacony in general offers a perfect reality, and that’s not something Ratio believes in. He would immediately notice everything is too good to be true, and that would cause the dream to fall apart. Interestingly, Ena’s dream also seems to tailor itself to the individual, so what would be too perfect for Ratio to ever believe it could happen in reality?

I’m sure you have already guessed the answer.

How was it, Veritas Ratio? Having the thing that unraveled your dream be the one thing you have wanted all your life? How does it feel, knowing that being acknowledged by Nous is something that could never happen to you in reality?

How was it?

I still think it could have happened in other ways, or maybe he avoided falling into the dream in the first place somehow, but ultimately, I prefer my idea the most.

I hope this satisfies your question

[lostcauses-noregrets]

Hello! Sorry for any mistakes, English is not my first language-...

Soo... I'm kinda new in fandom (I watched full AoT in April 2024) but I wanna know more abt Eruri. I read all page in shipping wiki about Eruri and some of smartpass au (but... Not much). But I'm Still unsure. Is there anything you would recommend to read from official/canonical things? Idk-... I JUST WANNA KNOW EVERYTHING ABT ERURI😭😭😭

I'd like ANY recommendations, it would really help me 👉🏼👈🏼

Thanks!!!

Hello and a very warm, if belated, welcome to the Eruri fandom!  Your English is perfect, no need to apologise at all.  The good news is that there is a HUGE archive of Eruri meta and information here on tumblr that fans have created over the years.  A lot of it is old now, because it was written at the time the manga was being published, but that doesn’t make it any less relevant, quite the opposite in fact! There is a treasure trove of canon information and analysis here that some newer fans may not be aware of.  I have an old Eruri Starter Pack post and also a Meta Rec post, some of the blogs recommended here are no longer active but it’s well worth browsing through their archives.  

My own meta is tagged Eruri Relationship,  Erwin Meta,  Levi Meta. Other people’s meta that I’ve reblogged is tagged Amazing Meta.   @tsuki-no-ura is the most active meta blogger on tumblr these days.  They are incredibly generous, patient and insightful with their translation skills. Diving into their blog is endlessly fascinating and educational. @momtaku’s blog is still one of the most comprehensive in the fandom and all her posts are tagged and organised.  @yusekni translated a lot of the supplementary material such as the Smartpass stories, guidebooks and fan Q&A’s.  Don’t miss the Smartpass Erwin and Levi Up Close interviews (part 1 / part 2). @ningen-suki also shared a lot of great information from the Japanese side of the fandom. @erbeansandravioli’s Eruri Receipts post is very old now, but it’s still a great source. 

If you haven’t already read the SnK and ACWNR mangas, read them now! Erwin and Levi’s relationship has so much more depth and nuance than in the anime.  I can also highly recommend reading the official Answers book and Character Encyclopaedia which include key information from Isayama himself about Erwin and Levi’s characters, motivations and relationship.

Hopefully that will keep you occupied for a while! If you're looking for anything in particular, or you've got any questions, please don't hesitate to ask ♡

[thatgarden]

please ignore if i’m asking too much

i’m curious if you could give me more information on what it feels like to be butch? i have a hard time understanding gender but butch/femme identities are even further from my comprehension. i know what it feels like to want to be treated as strong, capable, and intelligent (things that unfortunately are lacking when i’m read as a woman). i’ve also had chronic pain and fatigue fuck those things up. how would you define your butch identity? especially in visual presentation, actions, and your internal world. are there any resources you’d recommend?

thank you so much and i hope you have a good day

I'm absolutely delighted to answer your questions, don't worry!

The thing with butchhood, like most queer identities but butchhood in particular, is that it's VERY difficult to define. I step outside what is typically defined as butch, not only because I'm not a woman but because my butch presentation and overall masculinity is very... flamboyant, shall we say.

Overall, what defines a butch is that they see the word butch, hear it, and think "Yes, that's me." The word is home to them. It brings about a sense of comfort, joy, and especially pride. And when we see other butches, we feel a sense of kinship, because that's what community is. That's what we all share.

But this sense of "Wow, this word is me," isn't unique to butchhood. That's just how every queer identity works. That works with bisexuals, aromantics, transgender people, everyone! It's usually the first sign we get of figuring out we are that identity. There's no secret rulebook on what defines what. We simply are.

This is gonna get kinda long, so I'm going to link resources down bellow the cut. Hope you like reading, because I sure do love typing!

Butch is a Noun is an excellent read into what butchhood means to most butches. Unfortunately, it's riddled with toxic masculinity (as in the "I must be strong to be masculine" toxic masculinity) and just a taaaad of fatphobia in the chapter on treating femmes, and it doesn't speak too well on the singular they/them. It's an old book! But these flaws are very small for what the book does in sharing butch experiences, and showing love to butches of all genders, especially the transgender/non-binary ones.

Stone Butch Blues is a classic in butch and transmasculine literature, and it's well loved and received for a reason. Leslie Feinberg is an incredible communist transgender butch whose ideals are well- and beautifully- defined in this work. Would highly recommend.

Female Masculinity is something on my to-read, but from what I'm aware of it's a series of essays by Jack Halberstam on transmasculinity and butchhood alike. (I believe "female" is being used like we would AFAB.) I've read one essay from the work, Transgender Butch, which is about how the FTM and butch community are at odds with eachother and how trans butches often have to toe the line between this "border war". Good stuff, would recommend at least the one essay, but I'm sure the whole book is fantastic too.

My fingers are getting tired, so I'll reblog this later with my own experiences with butchhood. Sorry if it's a long wait! I'm kind of busy with college these days. I'll try to get it out in at least 24 hours though.

[bl-bracket]

It doesn't really matter since the lesser known characters usually don't really have a chance in the actual bracket anyway but doesn't your prelim method disadvantage lesser known characters? If I understood your explanation correctly character A might get 20% yes 10% no 70% see results, character B 40% yes 20% no 40% see results. Both would have double the amount of yes compared to no but character B would end up with 20 and A only with 10 right?

Not intended as criticism btw just curious whether you considered this or if I'm misunderstanding your methodology.

No no you're totally right! It's one of those things I have mixed feelings on!

So the method of seeding I've been using does favor shows that are more popular. When I've got two shows with the same number of submissions and both have propaganda, the show with the higher amount of logged viewers on mydramalist will get the higher seed number. Now I've found that the mdl numbers aren't really the best or most accurate indicator of popularity on tumblr, but it's the easiest accessible set of numbers that covers all shows (so far I haven't had any submissions of shows from countries not on mdl, like Vietnam, but we'll jump that bridge when we get to it). Ideally, there would be a comprehensive set of numbers on tumblr that could give an indication of a show's popularity, but I have yet to think of something that doesn't produce a different set of flaws and inaccuracies.

Now: the question is why favor shows with more popularity?

This goes to the traditional seeding practice you'll find all over the place. Where in the first round, the highest ranked team competes against the lowest ranked team and so and so forth. Now this is something I didn't understand for a long time, but I finally did a year or two ago.

Imagine a sport. And you've got two big dog teams, like they're the top of the top. You don't want them to fight in the first round, thus eliminating one of the big champion teams. While this isn't really fair to the other teams, it makes sense. And after all they're going to have to fight the big dogs eventually, might as well do it in round 1 instead of the finals. It's not a perfect system by any means, but especially for the sake of entertainment, ideally the top picks don't fight till the end.

If I don't seed it, it's going to be randomized, which is what I used to do. I would randomize it and then guess who the top competitors would be and try to separate them. But this was even more faulty.

But then this all circles back to the inherent problem of any fan voted competition, it really comes back around to being a popularity contest. I've tried different methods to make it less so (adding propaganda on polls, adding the [see results] option, making it double elimination, etc), but it's built into the system. Most people vote for the characters they like regardless. It's the sad and annoying truth.

I'm sure there are ways I could go about it that would fix some of these issues even more, especially with the seeding and prelims. But so far, most of what I have thought of is even more time consuming than the process already is (for reference, setting up and posting round 1 of a 64 character bracket takes several hours of continuous effort) or makes the polls harder to access (I've thought about having the propaganda above and visible on the polls instead of under the read more, but that will result in a lot of long posts clogging up people's dash with maybe little effect).

And let me be clear, I also have been a victim of my own system. I cannot tell you how many of my favs have lost, either in prelims or the bracket itself, due to being more obscure. It sucks.

I'm always open to change to make things better! But it's also hard to then balance how feasible some of those alternatives are to actually implement and what difference they'll really make.